way over wonder in the minor key
2004-10-05 - 12:04 am
My grandmother, my mother's mother, the only grandparent I have left, has shingles. Call me morbid, call me pessimistic, but I don't think she's going to recover. She's been deteriorating ever since my grandfather fell and ended up helpless in a nursing home, virtually disconnected from the outside world, more than two years ago. I don't know if she feels she has much to live for anymore.
My hope is that she'll live past Thanksgiving. A very selfish hope. I want to avoid losing all three grandparents within a year. That, and I want to spend Thanksgiving with my aunt in Minneapolis. Not at another funeral. And how much would it suck for my cousin's wedding anniversary be the anniversary of both her grandparents' deaths? Officially they're not her grandparents, because she was adopted and her mother, another aunt, quickly divorced both times she got married. But they're the only grandparents she knew, and I know she (my cousin) has been helping to take care of my grandmother.
I'm not nearly as close to this grandmother as I was to my father's mother, but, of course I'll still be sad when she dies. You notice, everyone says "if she dies." No one is "if she dies." Everyone dies. Every living thing will die one day, it's just a matter of when. And for my grandmother, that "when" will be soon. I don't know just how bad she is right now, but I don't expect to be considering this an issue by next Thanksgiving. So, there's not point to saying I'll be sad if she dies. She will die, and I will be sad. I'm sad now, because I know losing her father and then her mother-in-law was rough on my mother. And all this reminds me of how old my parents are. My dad will turn 60 next year. Most 60-year-olds have toddler grandkids. I don't know if my sister or I will ever reproduce.
My father may not live to see himself a grandfather. He made such a good father. He'd make a wonderful grandfather.
Another plus in the "will I have children?" column.
Perhaps I should mention, before I go, that I rocked my psych exam.