marriage is for old folks
2005-02-02 - 11:03 pm
Wow, didn't I say something about being better with the updates? So much for that.
I think the problem is not that I've lost the urge to document my life, but that I can only handle two forms at a time. I've been pretty consistent with the livejournal, and I've come to use Grinnell's plans thing a lot more. Diaryland has fallen by the wayside. But now there are some things I want to consider that I don't really want to put either place.
Over winter break, braveheart sent me an email saying that one of his bandmates asked if he was going to marry me.
Marry. Eep. I didn't want to reply with a rant about how I may never marry anyone, especially if I end up in a state where gay marriage is unconstitutional, about how so many people get married because it's what you do when you believe you love someone and they have these fantasies of what it's like and all the stuff that ran though my head at the idea of me getting married...so I just said that there's no way I'm getting married before I graduate, and I don't feel comfortable committing to an engagement before I have some idea of where my life will be going after college.
And then there is the still unresolved sex issue.
And then there is the idea of sharing my space and my life. I'm sort of doing that here, with my roommate, but also have very separate lives. We're together mostly by chance, and although we get along well, we aren't close, and we probably wouldn't be friends at all if we weren't roommates, because we just wouldn't have gotten to know each other.
But even now, there are times when I feel odd. I am much more comfortable and enthusiastic about interacting with my roommate when we're not in the room. All of my life, I've had my own room, my own space where I could retreat and close the door and be sure that I wouldn't have to deal with people. Now, even when I am in that sort of retreating mindset, my roommate is here, and she wants to talk to me. If we were better friends, I think I'd be more comfortable telling her that there are times when I just don't want conversation at all, but as it is I'm afraid she'll be hurt. Especially because I don't know if there's some sort of cultural difference that would affect her preception of the request.
I'm certain braveheart would respect my requests if I were to ask something like that of him, if we lived together. I just don't know if he'd be happy about it. He too might worry that it's a bad sign. And I don't want to have to ask for privacy every time I need it.
I don't know. I suppose we'd work something out. But still. Marriage? I can't imagine it.
On the other hand, braveheart will (probably) be driving here to visit next week. I am looking forward to it. I miss him.