we stand at the crossroads of high roads and low roads
2004-12-05 - 5:25 pm
Wow. It's been so long since I updated. What do I say?
Early Thanksgiving morning, my grandmother had a stroke. Blood was pooling in her brainstem and there was nothing any doctors could do.
I don't think anyone was reading my diary last year around Thanksgiving. So, the short version is that my grandfather, my mother's father (husband to the woman dying now) died a few days before Thanksgiving. It was sad, but mostly I took it in stride. We weren't close, he'd been extremely sick and basically helpless for several years, and I felt relief that he had stopped suffering. Plus C was practically all I could think about. The long version of that is here and the next entry, though be warned: I had a tenuous grasp of paragraphs.
Then, my paternal grandmother, who'd been living with my family all my life, died the day after Christmas after several months of failing health. I took that a lot harder. The entry I wrote about her is in my extras, but here's a link.
Now, my last grandparent is dying. We all spent Thanksgiving break just waiting for her to die. I stayed up nights crying, overwhelmed by a feeling that I would spend the rest of my life watching the people I love die. I knew someday it would be my own parents in a hospital somewhere, doctors never expecting more than another 48 hours.
Getting back to school helped, if only because I had schoolwork to focus on and away from all the things that reminded me of my family's grief.
Now, I spend my days in a fragile bubble of peace and happiness, that seems real when I'm feeling good, but all it takes is a little reminder to set me off again. The latest email from my uncle, late last night, said doctors don't expect my grandmother to live past Monday. My mother and sister are flying to Indiana tonight, and my dad is waiting until she actually passes.
And now it's time for dinner, but I do believe I will try to write more about what I've been doing.